Today as I was loading up the things I have chosen to take with me I found myself crying, screaming, and going off like a mad woman. Then tonight as I am sitting here watching Bones on hulu.com I found myself thinking for half a second oh "Marks going to call- wheres the phone?" then it slams back down, he won't ever call again. If I can forget that he is dead for that long why not think someplace in the mind that is only trying to protect us, that they never were. Its too painful to think that what once was is gone. And might never be again. Insane? Maybe. But our minds do amazing things to keep us from going crazy and doing stupid stuff. And as much as we loved, as DEEPLY as we once loved we must suffer now that that love is denied. And only God knows how long we must be without love. Some of us go on to find it again in the living, others will pass before we once again hold the hands of the one we love. Some of us get both, there is so much room in the heart that each of us can love over and over again. And then there are many, many different kinds of love. Its wonderful and wondrous. And yeah wine is my lover tonight, and it feels great. For a moment I can forget how much it hurts and enjoy and celebrate what was, and what I hope will be again. Maybe not in this world but certainly in the next. OK now I must go cry. My dreams of this life are shattered, and I must go forth and dream more dreams. But I forgot how. I hope I will remember in my sleep. God bless you. Guess I will have to open up and find the way once more. I hope....